Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on Aug 19, 2006 17:59:55 GMT -6
Nag, Nag, Nag
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day, trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bathroom, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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Post by donkey on Aug 28, 2006 0:41:52 GMT -6
Robotic Bartender A man walked into a very high-tec bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked "sir, what is your IQ?"? The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel' 'the latest medical break throughs' etc........ The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have?? 'A Martini please'. Again it was surpurb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?' This time the man answered "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".. The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked " A-r-e Y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on Aug 28, 2006 7:35:14 GMT -6
ROFLMAO, LET ME GUESS, YOU HEARD THIS FROM ONE OF THE KIDS AT WORK?
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Post by donkey on Aug 28, 2006 10:09:48 GMT -6
No, they dont know nuttin bout politics. they're too busy chasin each other. I got this in my Email.
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Post by donkey on Oct 27, 2006 13:35:15 GMT -6
Drinking Rules
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Texas boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
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Post by donkey on Dec 3, 2006 2:06:50 GMT -6
Three Reporters and a US Marine
Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded . Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music . He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully. Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, al l the I r aqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings , and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?" "What," replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor? Author Unknown
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cajun
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by cajun on May 8, 2007 13:31:42 GMT -6
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and sked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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cajun
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by cajun on May 8, 2007 13:50:16 GMT -6
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from he r head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.
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