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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:59:43 GMT -6
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the seco nd mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long belch and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullchit. I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:01:21 GMT -6
A quite rich Englishman and his wife are touring Australia in a hired limousine. The wife happens to look out the window and sees an Aussie doing something with a kangaroo. She asks her husband:" Dear,is that man doing something indecent with that animal?"
The Englishman looks and is appalled. He tells his wife to look away. He also tells her that he will register a stern complaint with the 5 star hotel they are registered at.
They arrive at the hotel. As they get out of the limousine, they both see a one legged man wanking off on the steps. The English couple are now truly appalled.
The Englishman storms to the hotel desk and says:" This is truly an awful country. My wife and I just saw a man performing sex with a kangaroo -and now we see a one legged man masturbating on the steps of your hotel! What do you have to say about this?"
The Aussie desk clerk says: " "Well, mate, you can't expect a one legged man to get his own kangaroo, can you?"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:02:38 GMT -6
When Jane first discovered Tarzan living in the jungle, she had many questions about all aspects of his life and. eventually the subject got around to sex.
Jane said, "Tarzan, have you ever had sex?".
Tarzan replied "What sex?".
So Jane explained in detail what sex is.
Tarzan said, "Yes, Tarzan have sex many time."
Jane said, "How did you have sex? There are no other people in the jungle except you".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan use knot hole in tree".
Jane was appalled. She went into a long explaination about how men and women have sex and even took off her cloths and volenteered to show Tarzan how men and women do it.
Tarzan accepted her invatation and proceeded to kick her in the crotch as hard as he could.
Jane screamed and fell to the ground and almost passed out.
When she had recovered she asked "What in the hell did you do that for!!"
He replied, "Tarzan check for bees"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:04:15 GMT -6
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules." Says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then... silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:05:14 GMT -6
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?" Sharon replies, "No but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic. I miss the days when I had mine."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:07:01 GMT -6
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicle s from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:07:31 GMT -6
A local fire department, after putting out the blaze, discovered that the fire had started in basement where the owner was growing pot. Several Fire fighter suffered from smoke inhalation, but were treat by the paramedics with twinkies and hohos and then released.
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:09:03 GMT -6
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. Joe walked down the street; he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new suit" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:10:56 GMT -6
An American tourist is touring Scotland and stops into a local pub. It's a pleasant kind of place and he enjoys talking to the pub keeper. He also notices an old sad looking Scot sitting at the end of the bar. (It's during the day and in midweek so no one else is around) He moves down and offers to buy the old man a drink. The old Scot perks up and they get talking. Finally, the tourist asks why he seems so sad.
The old Scot (after another single malt Scotch) says: " Young mon, look out that window. Do ye see that long pier for the fishing boats? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the harbor builder?"
Angus goes on: " Do ye see that town hall? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the town hall builder?"
"But just once I screw a sheep and what do they call me?"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:11:52 GMT -6
A man walking past a sanitarium hears voices chanting "Twelve, twelve, twelve..." from behind the wooden privacy fence.
Curious, he finds a knothole in the fence, and sticks his eye up to the hole, trying to determine the reason for the chant.
Instantly he is poked in the eye, and as he backs away, hand over the mutilated eye, he hears the chant begin anew: "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:13:00 GMT -6
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:15:31 GMT -6
As the jet pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your flight while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
A businessman, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by for the drink orders, he asked "Did I understand you correctly? Is the captain of this plane a woman?"
''Yes sir, you heard right." said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God!" replied the passenger, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I just don't know what to think about all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "we no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:16:14 GMT -6
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth, Ruined the whole d@mn thing.
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:17:57 GMT -6
The Lord watches Adam walking alone in the Garden of Eden. The sight troubles Him. He calls Adam over and tells him that he is going to give him a companion and partner called "woman".
Adam looks a little doubtful so the Lord explains that this companion and partner will be absolutely loyal to him, will obey his every wish and command and will give him pleasure and ecstasy beyond his wildest imaginings. In short, as the Lord explains, she will be whatever your wildest dreams ever imagined! She will be yours to command!
Adam still looks a little doubtful. He asks the Lord: " How much will this "woman" cost me.
The Lord says, yes she will be expensive "probably an arm and a leg".
Adam asks: "What can I get for a rib?"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:19:12 GMT -6
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