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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:37:16 GMT -6
Mephisto at the Senior Citizens Center... "Most hypnotists invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Mephisto withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch... watch the watch... watch the watch ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Mephistos fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces . "Crap", said Mephisto.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:42:23 GMT -6
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then!!! " he demands. "That's me before the surgery."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:42:49 GMT -6
Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:44:05 GMT -6
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow.! "
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:44:39 GMT -6
A guy walks into a neighborhood bar on a quiet afternoon and notices that the only other customer at the bar is a guy with a rather scary looking Rottweiler lying nearby. The newcomer asks somewhat nervously: " Does your dog bite?"
The man at the bar smiles pleasantly and says: " No, he never bites"
The newcomer sits down - whereupon the Rottweiler proceeds to take a chunk out of his leg.
As the ambulance people are removing the victim he hollers out at the man at the bar: " "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The man shrugs: " He ain't my dog".
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:46:15 GMT -6
My divorce was final Monday afternoon. A friend was getting married Wensday and suggested that I come by the reception so he could introduce me to a friend of his bride. His description interested me. Cortney Cox with a little meat on her bones. As usual I got there about an hour late and came through the door just as my friend and his bride were about to leave. Well, my buddy took the time to introduce me to an extreemly attractive woman who actually looke like Cortney Cox on her best day. Needless to say she had my undivided attention. After chatting her up for about an hour she mentioned that she was a little tired and wondered of I would drive her home. Being the considerate person that I am I told her that I would be honored to take her home. I walked around the table to help her out of her chair only to discover that her "chair" had wheels. Well, we all have friends with a warped sense of humor and I really liked the gal so I wheeled her to my El Camino, helped her into the front seat and stored the wheel chair in the back. She gave me dirrections out of town and out to a side road. Then we turned off the side road to an ungraveled road. You know the type. Two tracks with grass in the middle. Down the road a ways she suggested we pull off into an orchard where we could "talk". As usual, one thing led to another and we were getting it on pretty heavy when it became obvious that the cramped quarters and her disability wouldn't work well for what we wanted to do and she suggested that we move to the hood of the El Camino. This was working out pretty well but she had another idea. I could carry her to one of the apple trees and she would hang from the tree and we would do it Tarzan style. Being the gentleman that I am we ended up doing things her way. Things were going well when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of an old man in bib overalls and a double barreled shotgun. I carried her back to the car and turned to face the father. He looked me up one side and down the other before saying, "Son, I think I'm goin' ta let ya go." Delighted at not getting shot, but still curious I asked, "Why are you letting me go?" "Well" he said."The last three guys left her hanging there."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:47:00 GMT -6
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:48:04 GMT -6
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:49:22 GMT -6
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" he asks her.
"Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you chit on its head."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:51:30 GMT -6
His wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown and I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?" Seconds before his death he says..."I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:53:29 GMT -6
A guy spends the night with a Chinese prostitute. Next morning he is showering -and is horrified to find that his entire groin area (yeah, including the vital part) is colored this sickly shade of green.
He wastes no time in consulting a white doctor of great repute. The doctor informs him that he has this rare oriental disease - and that his thingy and balls will have to be amputated.
Of course, the guy wants a second opinion. The second doctor tells him also that his thingy and balls will have to be amputated.
The guy is in a real state of depression when he comes from the second doctor's office. On the street he meets a friend to whom he confides the whole story.
The friend says: " You're going at this entirely the wrong way. You have this rare oriental disease -so go to a good Chinese doctor". The friend recommends a top notch Chinese doctor in Chinatown.
The guy sees the top notch Chinese doctor who examines him.
The doctor tells him: " Yes, you have this rare oriental disease".
The guy is panic stricken. " Doctor, will it have to be cut off?"
The old Chinese doctor claps him on the shoulder reassuringly: " NO, of course not! In a few days it'll fall off by itself".
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:54:36 GMT -6
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?", asked the Mom.
"Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:56:41 GMT -6
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged - my wife won twice last week."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:57:38 GMT -6
An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 6, 2006 23:58:34 GMT -6
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.
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