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Post by cooder on May 20, 2006 0:14:35 GMT -6
Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?" _______________________________________________________
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two". __________________________________________________________
A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"
The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on May 20, 2006 7:44:30 GMT -6
;D COODER, YOU ARE ONE FUNNY INDAVISUAL, THOSE ARE SOME GOOD ONES. ROFLMAF ;D
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Post by Whiskers on May 21, 2006 21:38:56 GMT -6
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
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Post by Whiskers on May 21, 2006 21:42:26 GMT -6
The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
A memo was soon sent following the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
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Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on May 23, 2006 12:00:34 GMT -6
A man was admiring the tropical fish in the pet shop where I used to work. When I offered my assistance, he mentioned that his new wife was a fish fancier. After I showed him around, he shouted, "There she is! That's the one I'll take." As I scooped out a large, sluggish goldfish with a gray splotch at the top of its head, the man exclaimed, "My bride will love this! She's always wanted to know what my first wife looked like!"
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Post by Whiskers on May 23, 2006 12:27:15 GMT -6
lol! i guess the first one wasn't a keeper fish.
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Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on May 23, 2006 12:36:34 GMT -6
Just goes ta show; There could theoretically be a dern good reason to CPR!!!
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Post by Whiskers on May 23, 2006 12:42:15 GMT -6
I can see the reasoning behind that.lol! C & R don't need no photos for reminders
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Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on May 23, 2006 12:47:26 GMT -6
As we age, our priorities change. The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want.
"So, I tied her up and went fishing...
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Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on May 23, 2006 13:04:21 GMT -6
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on May 23, 2006 13:11:15 GMT -6
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof
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Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on May 23, 2006 13:13:10 GMT -6
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of > >> the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other > >> people's business. Several members did not approve of her > >> extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to > >> maintain their silence. > >> > >> She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new > >> member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup > >> parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She > >> emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone > >> seeing it there would know what he was doing. > >> > >> Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and > >> just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or > >> deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly > >> parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked > >> home.... and left it there all night.
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Post by Wolfman on May 30, 2006 0:09:53 GMT -6
A Rabi, a baptist preacher and a catholic priest all went fishing together one day. They anchored a little ways out in the lake in front of the local bait shop and began fishing.
After a bit the rabi said 'im thirsty and going to get a soda'. He stepped out of the boat and walked to the bank to the local bait shop never getting more then his feet wet. Pretty soon here he came walking back and climbed back in the boat. The baptist preacher acted like nothing out of the ordinary happened while the catholic priest was all eyes.
Pretty soon the baptist preacher got thirsty, got out and walked across the water to the bait shop and back never getting more then his feet wet. As he crawled in the boat again the catholic priest was again all eyes.
After a bit the catholic priest got thirsty and thinking he was as religous and moral as the baptist and rabi he stepped out of the boat and sank like a rock. The baptist preacher and the rabi looked at each other and said 'think we should of told him about the rocks?'
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Post by Wolfman on Jun 8, 2006 22:21:35 GMT -6
You know how women kind of go off the deep end every month. Why is it they call it PMS? . . . . . Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken! ;D
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Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on Jun 12, 2006 6:27:58 GMT -6
A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they dont catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.
As theyre driving home theyre really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The girlfriend says, "Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!"
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