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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:20:17 GMT -6
When a woman wears leather clothing, A man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck.
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:23:20 GMT -6
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and he stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde stands on her chair and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, @$$hole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community and from reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:24:18 GMT -6
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Powerball." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays... "God, please let me win the powerball! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well." Powerball night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. "My God, why have You forsaken me? ! I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Powerball drawing just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:24:51 GMT -6
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your right breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:26:40 GMT -6
oldie but goodie...
A blond and brunette attend a baby shower. The blonde confides to her friend that she too is pregnant!
"Is it a boy or a girl?" asks the brunette.
"How do you know?" The blonde replied.
"Well" said the brunette, "it is all in the positioning!"
"Our friend over there concieved while her husband was on top of her and she is having a boy".
"And I had a girl after I conceived when I was on top!" She added.
The blonde broke out into a fit of sobs and crying!
The brunette said " What's wrong? What's wrong?"
The blonde choked out, " I'm going to have puppies!"
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:27:56 GMT -6
Blonde Year In Revue
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was, she answered, "C."
October - Hates M&Ms because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for four days because the instructions said one hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:28:39 GMT -6
A brunette goes into a doctors office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That's odd,"says the doctor, "Show me what you mean." The woman touches her elbow and screams in agony. She then touches her knee and screams, then pushes her ankle and screams. "You're not really a brunette, are you?" asks the doctor. "Why, no, I'm actually a blonde" she answers. "I thought so," he says. "Your finger's broken."
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:29:22 GMT -6
A blonde who's having financial troubles decides to kidnap a child for ransom. She writes on a piece of paper: "I've kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 a.m. The Blonde." She walks over to the park and grabs a little boy, pins the note to his jacket, and tells him to run home. The next day the blonde goes back to the park, where she sees the boy standing behind the oak tree. "I'm supposed to give you this," he says, handing over a brown bag. As she counts the money, she notices a new note pinned to his jacket: "For the record, I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!".
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 7, 2006 0:32:58 GMT -6
Joe and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Joe's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."Joe's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Joe's wife is very upset,and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Joe says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" Now aint that a Hoot?
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on Jul 7, 2006 21:13:49 GMT -6
;D WOLFMAN, THAT'S A REAL HOOT. BUT FOR THE RECORD, BLONDE JOKES DO NOT FAZE ME, THOSE ARE SOME GOOD ONES, THAT I WILL HAVE TO REMEMBER, SO I CAN SHARE THEM WITH MY SON, WHO KNOWS SOME GOOD BLONDE JOKES. ;D
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Post by Whiskers on Jul 9, 2006 11:58:17 GMT -6
Ozarks Fish Story
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in the Ozarks recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" said the game warden. "Ya.. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden. The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr .Government man, I'll show you. It really works." "Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!" The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the hillbilly. The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?" The hillbilly said, "Call who back?" "The FISH!" replied the warden. "What fish?" answered the hillbilly. We in the Ozarks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on Jul 9, 2006 13:25:26 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D THATS ONE FER THE HILLBILLY'S, NONE FER THE GAME WARDEN. I LIKE THAT ONE ALOT. ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Whiskers on Jul 13, 2006 12:19:05 GMT -6
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited the man inside to have dinner and to spend the night. The stranded motorist gladly accepted the monk's offer.
That evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.
Entering the kitchen, the man asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the chef replied, "I'm the chip monk." __________________________________________________________________________________
A man took weekend fishing trips twice a month. His wife got used to them, and was sure to have all of his things packed when he came home after work on Friday. After some months of the same routine, she became concerned as to whether or not he actually was going fishing, but without any proof she wasn't going to confront him. One Sunday evening after returning from his "fishing" weekend, he confronted his wife. "All I ask from you is that you have my things ready when I get home from work. And this weekend, you forgot to pack me any clean underwear. Do you have any idea how I feel wearing the same underwear for 3 days?" The wife defended herself, "I didn't forget to pack your clean underwear." He snapped back, "Well, I didn't have any hen I got to the lake. Where'd you pack them, they weren't in my suitcase." "No, " she replied, "this time I packed them in your tackle box." ________________________________________________________________________________
There were four blonde's sitting on the bank of a river, each with a fishing pole intently concentrating on the task at hand. A Game Warden drives by and see's the four women apparently fishing and decided to check for the proper fishing licenses and equipment. He approached the women and told them he needed to check for their fishing licenses and to his surprise, they all replied they did not have one. However, before the Warden could speak, one of the women spoke up and said, "Mr. Warden, sir, we are not fishing for you normal catch. We are environmentalist ridding the waters of garbage and other debris. "We are not fishing for "fish." "We have poles, yes, but on the end of our lines we have magnets. The magnets are gathering up metallic debris from the bottom of this river and therefore, were are cleaning the environment." Stunned, the Game Warden thought for a moment and then asked the women to retrieve their lines an show him the "magnets" they were using. Sure enough, one after the other, the women showed the Warden various sized and colored magnets at the end of their line. Puzzled, the Warden again thought for a moment then stated. "Well, you ladies seem to be doing a good thing here and there is no law against cleaning up a river bed with a magnet. More people should be like you four. Have a nice day." With that the Warden drove off. As soon as the the Warden was out of sight, the four women burst out in hysterical laughter. Finally, when one of them was able to speak, she said, "Stupid Fish Cop!. Doesn't he know there are STEALHEAD in this river?!!!"
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Post by Whiskers on Jul 13, 2006 12:23:17 GMT -6
Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years.
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Post by Whiskers on Jul 13, 2006 12:40:47 GMT -6
Letter to Dear Abby Dear Abby, I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids, great job, and a great education. When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us, she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists? Thanks, A Fisherman P. S. I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught. ********************************************************************** Dear Fisherman, Get rid of that narrow minded wife. Abby Sam and the two Bass that we caught that day.
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