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Post by donkey on Jul 14, 2006 11:07:49 GMT -6
**Best Little Convent in Texas***
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a > > > sign out of the corner of his eye that Reads: > > > > > > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS > > > HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION > > > 10 MILES > > > > > > Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drives on and soon he > > > sees another sign > > > > > > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS > > > HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION > > > 5 MILES > > > > > > Suddenly, he begins to realize the signs are for real... He passes > > > a third sign, s a y i n g > > > > > > SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS > > > HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION > > > NEXT RIGHT > > > > > > His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. > > > On the far side of the parking lot, is a stone building with a small > > > Sign next to the door reading > > > > > > SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS > > > > > > He climbs the steps, and rings the bell. The door is answered by a > > > nun in a long, black habit, who asks, " What may we do for you, my > > > son?" > > > > > > He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in > > > doing business." " Very well, my son.... Please follow me. " > > > > > > The man is led through a winding passage, and is soon quite >disoriented. > > > The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on >this > > > door." > > > > > > He does, and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers >the > > > door... "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large >wooden > > > door at the end of the hallway." > > > > > > He puts $100 in the cup, and trots eagerly down the hall. He slips > > > through the door, and finds himself back in the parking lot, facing > > > another sign > > > > > > GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST >FRANCIS.... > > > SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on Jul 14, 2006 21:31:51 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D HAY DONKEY, THAT WAS PEATY GOOD, EVEN FER YOU.
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Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on Jul 17, 2006 17:03:59 GMT -6
Subject: beer party
There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette." "Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast." Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!" The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
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Post by Whiskers on Jul 17, 2006 21:20:41 GMT -6
Fishing For a Sale A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
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Post by Whiskers on Jul 17, 2006 21:42:00 GMT -6
1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener. 2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat. 3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter". 4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file. 5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with. 6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude". 7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you. 8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp. 9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family. 10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal. 11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing. 12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot. 13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting. 14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house. 15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage. 16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,
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Post by Whiskers on Jul 17, 2006 21:43:33 GMT -6
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After their tent is all set up, they fell sound asleep.
One hour later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo-Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo-Sabe, you dumb ass. Someone stole tent."
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on Jul 18, 2006 21:22:23 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D LMAO.
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on Jul 18, 2006 21:26:25 GMT -6
;D YOU KNOW YOUR A TRUE FISHERMAN, IF ALL THOSE THINGS APPLY TO YOU.
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on Jul 18, 2006 21:28:10 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D YOU GOT TO BE PERTY DRUNK NOT TO KNOW YOU ARE STUCK IN THE MUD. ;D
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Post by Whiskers on Jul 19, 2006 2:35:15 GMT -6
;D ;D ;D YOU GOT TO BE PERTY DRUNK NOT TO KNOW YOU ARE STUCK IN THE MUD. ;D I would say it's possible.About 20 years ago I got up one morning after a whiskey drunk and discovered my car parked in the ditch in front of my house.I was sure someone had stolen it and took it for a joy ride because it was covered in mud and you could see where someone ran it through a barb wire fence,it had scratches from the hood running all the way up and over the back of the car.As I was trying to get it out of the ditch a buddy stopped by and was laughing at me,He said he followed me from town the night before and I straightened out a S curve on the way home about 15 miles up the road.He said I jumped a ditch,went through a fence,drove across a field,ran through the fence on the other end,then jumped the ditch back onto the road without ever slowing down.After he drove me to the spot it happened I started remembering bits and pieces. The moral of the story is like John Anderson said(sings) If you get on the whiskey let somebody else drive. But of couse it took about another 10 years of doing stupid crap like that before I learned it for good...
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on Jul 21, 2006 10:29:56 GMT -6
WHISKERS, WHEN I WAS DRINKING WHISKEY , IT DIDN'T AFFECT MY DRIVING NONE. I KNEW WHEN I WAS TOO OUT OF IT TO DRIVE, AND I WOULD LEAVE MY CAR WHERE EVER IT WAS, AND I'D WALK. I FIGURED THAT OTHERS WOULD BE SAFER, AND IFIN I HURT MYSELF, OH WELL. THAT IS HISTORY NOW, AND I DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT ANY MORE.
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Hoot
Crappie
Posts: 310
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Post by Hoot on Jul 23, 2006 20:11:23 GMT -6
You know how women kind of go off the deep end every month. Why is it they call it PMS? . . . . . Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken! ;D NO WOLFMAN,THEY ONLY ABREVIATED IT, AND IT STANDS FER,"PUTTING UP WITH MENS SH**. AND NOW YOU KNOW.
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Post by Wolfman on Jul 23, 2006 22:13:55 GMT -6
Naw you aint turning it around on men hoot. We all know men are the sane ones, We don't go ff the deep end once a month and scream n yell n throw things over tiny lil details. You Venusians are just Nuts! Why women don't even understand other women so how are men supposed to?
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Post by donkey on Jul 25, 2006 22:58:07 GMT -6
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.
Liz "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Sally,"Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
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Sinker
Crappie
2005
Posts: 435
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Post by Sinker on Jul 26, 2006 6:10:29 GMT -6
Is this the joke thread, or the recycle bin? ?
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